how i said “i love you”

I woke up next to him and felt so overwhelmingly happy. While he was in the washroom my gut told me that this was the morning. This was going to be the moment.

I had thought about a preamble. Something to excuse him if he wasn’t there yet. An easy justification to buy him more time before he conveniently repeated without knowing if he meant it.

He returned from the washroom, crawled back into the warm bed, and held me. We kissed and smiled, he whispered good morning. His hand caressed my nipple, tweaking it carefully. 

I was ready to tell him because he proved to me last night that he listens to me and learns from me, which is so huge. The major challenges in our relationship have involved the monthly parties we throw at my house. He’s crossed some of my boundaries without realizing it. Specifically, I’ve experienced jealousy due to his touchy-flirty behaviour with my friends.

It takes a lot to make me jealous (or at least I thought it did) so it was hard for me to confront those feelings in myself since they’ve been so absent for the last two years. There were two times when I cried and needed serious affirmation that he considered me his primary partner. I knew if this became a continual pattern then it wasn’t going to work out.

His hand trailed down, grazing against my clit. I held his wandering hand, fingers laced. 

But he proved that he truly listened. We kept the balance of staying connected while being social and close with our friends. I felt important and we both initiated eye contact to check in throughout the night. He actively made sure I was comfortable and respected my boundaries intentionally. I was ridiculously impressed.

I looked him in the eyes, and kissed him deeply. I tried to convey my passion through my lips so he would be somewhat prepared.

My brain tried to call it off, telling me it wasn’t the right moment, assuming that it would be better to wait for him to take the initiative on this milestone. The two times it has been said to me, I wasn’t prepared. I said it back to avoid discomfort. I ended up experiencing love with both men. But I was worried, I didn’t want him to feel pressured like I had been. I wanted it to make sense this time.

But my intuition affirmed my real need to let him know. I’ve been caught in many battles between my head and my heart. I’m proud to say I calmly considered my racing, terrified concerns but ultimately chose the direction I am satisfied, no, overjoyed with.

It was simple. No preamble. No games. Just…

"I love you."

"I love you too."

We both broke out into killer smiles and kissed each other wildly. Our naked bodies wrapped tightly around each other and I felt relieved, alive, renewed, stellar, on fire, floating, flying, dizzy…but most of all, loved in return. I squealed and he squirmed. He squeezed me and laughed out, “My heart just skipped twenty beats.”

The erection he had since waking pulsed against my hip. I felt myself get wet with excitement for both the sex sure to follow but also for…the future. Whatever is to come for us. 

There was no foreplay necessary for our impending intercourse. I was sopping, he was ready to feel me. He slid inside and the marquee in my mind scrolled on repeat: “He loves you too.”

It was the kind of sex where I was feeling him on so many levels. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, sexually…there were moments where he would rest, I would stare into his eyes and all I wanted to do was meld more with him. He reached into the deepest part of my body and made me feel safe to be myself. 

Fuck, I’m in love.

how to teach a man to enjoy a blow job?

I have a new mission. One that I certainly did not expect. 

Nate and I have an awesome open relationship. I’m falling in love with him and it feels spectacular. But giving him blow jobs has been a precarious feat for my ego these last three months. I’ve found it difficult to get him completely erect. It’s not like he would remain flaccid, but I just felt like my efforts weren’t reaching the same peaks they have with other men. I was starting to feel down on myself, like I wasn’t doing something obvious and that he was judging me for missing it. 

So last night while we were cuddling naked on my futon I told him how I was feeling. He reassured me that I was doing a great job and that he admits to being difficult to get off.

"But how can I improve? I want to be able to pleasure you and I need some instruction." 

"Well, actually, I don’t know what to tell you. I’m not very experienced with receiving blow jobs. As in, before you, I can count the number I’ve had on two hands.”

Wait, really?!?! I was totally aghast. Keep in mind that Nate has a similar partner history to me, so I was caught completely off guard. Given the number of women he’s been with, I did not expect a lack of oral sex to be the reason at all. 

"So basically, my brain just isn’t trained to relate pleasure to that experience. I don’t really know what to do.” 

I asked him whether this was a result of a pattern with past partners, such as: make out, feel up her breasts, go down on her, have sex. Which is exactly what happened the first time we fucked. Basically a series where he initiates oral sex and then has penetrative sex before she feels the need to reciprocate. He agreed that this was the main reason. He just really likes getting his face in there, which he’s stellar at by the way. Now I know why!

Needless to say, all of this made me feel much better about worrying I had suddenly lost my expertise at giving head. It also made me think about how myself and others often assume sexual experience without even asking. It reminded me of the end of high school and beginning of university when everyone assumes they are the only ones who are still virgins and that “everybody except me” is doing it (see full study here). 

In the middle of reacting I double checked to make sure my response wasn’t making him feel ashamed. No one has the right to make another person feel bad for not being experienced in some realm or with sex at all for that matter. The media does enough of that already. He kissed and held me when I said, “I want us to figure out how to make oral sex enjoyable for both of us.”

He pointed out his most sensitive area to me. “I think this is where it felt really good, but honestly it’s hard to remember.” Underside of his shaft, lick from the base to the head and swirl around. Makes sense. He asked me for suggestions on how to enjoy it. I gave him a few off the top of my head, but I would love to have some more to share with him. 

What advice do you have for Nate to enjoy blow jobs?

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I just had my first woman. And threesome. And orgy. In the same night.

Oh how I wish you could smell my cunt right now…it’s exquisite.

missed ya

My ass is currently covered in light bruises and small welts from getting fucked senseless this weekend. My new man especially enjoys the satisfying sound of his right hand landing on the left cheek, fueling him to thrust inside of me deeper, increasing his speed until he needs another jolt of energy. He released many wincing yet pleasureful yelps from my swollen lips as his palm tackled, squeezed, and stung my sticky skin. He puts off calm, collected, and sweet, but boy does he like to rough me up when he’s got me pinned to his bed. Gotta love what goes down on the third date…


Next story coming soon. 

In other news, Colin Meloy is now fond of calling me “the kinky sex goddess.”