gifts for lovers
The time had come for me to figure out what I’m getting Nate for christmas. Relatively new partners are tricky…these are the first gifts I would ever give to him. I wanted it to be memorable. He’s an emotionally expressive fellow, which I really appreciate. I wanted to make him swoon.
My first teenage love (well, he was in university while I was in high school) was James Mercer (from The Shins and Broken Bells). He gave me a heart shaped necklace for christmas. I don’t remember what I gave him. The necklace wasn’t expensive or anything, but it was very special to me. I wore it every day until we split apart after over a year when I left for university. I had planned to give it back to him. A better idea came to me. I had created this beautiful scrapbook of high school that I brought with me to show him the day we said goodbye. When we got to the last page I had left a special place to keep the necklace safe next to an adorable photo of James and I kissing. He removed the clasp ceremoniously despite us both being blubbering messes. I opened up the page and enshrined my first love.
My second significant partner and love, Gregg Gillis, disappointed me on christmas. Our relationship was the on and off sort. Maybe he already knew we were on the outs, since we finally broke up for good about a month later. My gift: his parents were crazy and it was difficult for us to spend the night together when we were both at home, so he told them he was arriving a day later than actuality. I picked him up from the airport and took him to a hotel that I booked for the night. This was our long distance reunion after four months. We had sex four times over on the king bed, in the bathtub, on the chair…it was back and forth, animal desire-driven, with a peppering of sentimentality for good measure all night long. On the way home we went and bought my first pair of handcuffs from the slightly seedy sex shop by the airport (the only store I know exists there). On Christmas, he gave me the Serenity graphic novel, which was a great gift, but compared to the time and energy I spent on him, felt half baked.
Now for Nate Ruess, who is sleeping adorably in my bed as I write this. Last night we exchanged gifts. His parents gave me a lovely candle that smelled delicious while he sunk himself into me later on. I gave him an Ignite Me Massage Candle from Good Vibrations in the Morning Dew scent. I give him full body erotic massages when he’s had a rough day at work, so this will be perfect for adding a new dimension to touching his body.
He gave me two graphic novels, one which is about post-the end of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I haven’t actually seen all of Buffy, which he assumed I had, so now we’re going to watch it all (yes, I know, quite a goal) and then I can read my present! The other one was recommended by this cute girl at the comic store we go to, I can’t look up the title right now since it’s dark and I don’t want to wake him up. My nerdy return gift was sparked from Violet Blue’s post “Offbeat Holiday Gifts for Geeks.” Serenity and Firefly Travel posters? Done. Nate moved a couple of months ago and still has nothing on his walls. Perfect. He loved them.
Now, the geekiest gift of all. He gave me my own RPG dice set! I’ve been borrowing his extra ones when we play role playing games with his friends (for those who have no idea what I’m talking about…like multi-sided dice you use for Dungeons and Dragons, etc.) So he got me my own turquoise bundle in a beautiful cloth bag. It felt like a true gift out of love, respect, and a desire for me to be a big part of his life. I would love to make these a part of bedroom play somehow.
Speaking of bedroom play…the final gift. 25 feet of Bound to Please Bondage Rope plus “Bondage for Sex, Vol 1” by Chanta Rose, all from Good Vibrations. He was in total awe and excitement. Back in August we had a huge party at my house where my roommate’s rope came out. Nate enjoyed tying up my now-roommate, playing with knots, and trying different things out on her. I filed that one away back then and we are so excited to experiment with bondage and each other. He’s definitely kink-open, but doesn’t have much experience with kink. I figured what better gift to give than the tools to allow him to learn and enjoy himself in this realm?
Merry christmas, Happy Hanukkah (to Nate & all other Jewish readers), and Happy Holidays! If you have work off, have sex with yourself, a friend, or your lover!
I spent five hours masturbating this morning. As in, my lover Nate woke me up when he left for work at 8am, and I did not stop toying with myself until 1pm when I finally had to eat something. Breakfast vs. self-pleasure is an intense battle, let me tell you! During that time, I took over 1,000 photos of myself in various states of undress. Definitely my best photo set to date. I love the grainy, self-directed look of webcam shots. I’m an amateur who loves the quality and real feel of amateur porn, what can I say?
I’m not seeing Nate until Sunday. I had a co-dependency alert/freak out on Monday that forced me to ask for some time apart for the weekend. In the past when I’ve gotten super attached, I’ve been burned. The logical part of me rebelled against the intense love I’m experiencing; the clash caused a crazy-breakdown.
Poor Nate had no idea what happened…he got home from work after spending a wonderful weekend attached to my genitals and all of a sudden I started crying without being able to explain what was wrong (which so far I’ve been solid at parsing out). I apologized profusely through tears, “I’m sorry I’m being such a girl!” “Well Tara, you are a girl,” he calmingly chuckled.
He had plans with some friends so I told him to go along without me while I determined the cause. I called my best-best friend of almost ten years and blubbered the whole mess to her. She deconstructed my emotions as she’s so skilled at doing. “Tara, it’s okay to be attached to someone else. And to want to spend time together. And to feel like you need him. Logical-Tara is overwhelmed by emotional-Tara and is fighting back right now. You need to listen to her, but don’t let her take over either. It’s okay to be in love.”
As always, she was right. So I started writing. I made a list of what I’m scared of, most of it having to do with those past burns, loving him “too much,” and losing him. Then I wrote a list of what I needed. I need him to be more forthcoming and informative about other partners he has right now. I need him to continue being an amazing listener and support. And I needed the weekend off in order to reconnect with friends and other partners. I soaked in a hot bath. I did some deep meditative breathing. I took a nap. When he returned I gave him full disclosure about where I was at. We had beautiful, emotional sex afterward where our eyes and lips were connected as much as possible while he moved his shaft throughout my body.
So how do I get through to Sunday night without being with him? Well, I have plans to go to a sex club tomorrow evening and check out a new scene. But I’m also sending him the hottest of the ridiculous amount of photos I took in small batches. While he was at work today, I sent him the sort of SFW ones (not too many of those, hah). Poor boy. I totally destroyed any productivity he had going for him by updating him on gchat while I got gorgeously nasty for my webcam. Tomorrow, he’ll get three more sets.
Then on Sunday, two more. With the last email, some instructions for when his fine ass comes over here. I have this idea of having one of the girls I’m going to the club with be a part of Sunday. With him handcuffed to a chair and only able to watch us play until I allow him after much excruciating voyeurism and her consent, of course.
If not this week, my fantasy will happen eventually. And he’ll be thanking me when it does. Apparently I’m already the best girlfriend ever. Bringing a girl to fuck alongside the girlfriend? Tough to top me, but please try.
how i said “i love you”
I woke up next to him and felt so overwhelmingly happy. While he was in the washroom my gut told me that this was the morning. This was going to be the moment.
I had thought about a preamble. Something to excuse him if he wasn’t there yet. An easy justification to buy him more time before he conveniently repeated without knowing if he meant it.
He returned from the washroom, crawled back into the warm bed, and held me. We kissed and smiled, he whispered good morning. His hand caressed my nipple, tweaking it carefully.
I was ready to tell him because he proved to me last night that he listens to me and learns from me, which is so huge. The major challenges in our relationship have involved the monthly parties we throw at my house. He’s crossed some of my boundaries without realizing it. Specifically, I’ve experienced jealousy due to his touchy-flirty behaviour with my friends.
It takes a lot to make me jealous (or at least I thought it did) so it was hard for me to confront those feelings in myself since they’ve been so absent for the last two years. There were two times when I cried and needed serious affirmation that he considered me his primary partner. I knew if this became a continual pattern then it wasn’t going to work out.
His hand trailed down, grazing against my clit. I held his wandering hand, fingers laced.
But he proved that he truly listened. We kept the balance of staying connected while being social and close with our friends. I felt important and we both initiated eye contact to check in throughout the night. He actively made sure I was comfortable and respected my boundaries intentionally. I was ridiculously impressed.
I looked him in the eyes, and kissed him deeply. I tried to convey my passion through my lips so he would be somewhat prepared.
My brain tried to call it off, telling me it wasn’t the right moment, assuming that it would be better to wait for him to take the initiative on this milestone. The two times it has been said to me, I wasn’t prepared. I said it back to avoid discomfort. I ended up experiencing love with both men. But I was worried, I didn’t want him to feel pressured like I had been. I wanted it to make sense this time.
But my intuition affirmed my real need to let him know. I’ve been caught in many battles between my head and my heart. I’m proud to say I calmly considered my racing, terrified concerns but ultimately chose the direction I am satisfied, no, overjoyed with.
It was simple. No preamble. No games. Just…
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
We both broke out into killer smiles and kissed each other wildly. Our naked bodies wrapped tightly around each other and I felt relieved, alive, renewed, stellar, on fire, floating, flying, dizzy…but most of all, loved in return. I squealed and he squirmed. He squeezed me and laughed out, “My heart just skipped twenty beats.”
The erection he had since waking pulsed against my hip. I felt myself get wet with excitement for both the sex sure to follow but also for…the future. Whatever is to come for us.
There was no foreplay necessary for our impending intercourse. I was sopping, he was ready to feel me. He slid inside and the marquee in my mind scrolled on repeat: “He loves you too.”
It was the kind of sex where I was feeling him on so many levels. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, sexually…there were moments where he would rest, I would stare into his eyes and all I wanted to do was meld more with him. He reached into the deepest part of my body and made me feel safe to be myself.
Fuck, I’m in love.
how to teach a man to enjoy a blow job?
I have a new mission. One that I certainly did not expect.
Nate and I have an awesome open relationship. I’m falling in love with him and it feels spectacular. But giving him blow jobs has been a precarious feat for my ego these last three months. I’ve found it difficult to get him completely erect. It’s not like he would remain flaccid, but I just felt like my efforts weren’t reaching the same peaks they have with other men. I was starting to feel down on myself, like I wasn’t doing something obvious and that he was judging me for missing it.
So last night while we were cuddling naked on my futon I told him how I was feeling. He reassured me that I was doing a great job and that he admits to being difficult to get off.
“But how can I improve? I want to be able to pleasure you and I need some instruction.”
“Well, actually, I don’t know what to tell you. I’m not very experienced with receiving blow jobs. As in, before you, I can count the number I’ve had on two hands.”
Wait, really?!?! I was totally aghast. Keep in mind that Nate has a similar partner history to me, so I was caught completely off guard. Given the number of women he’s been with, I did not expect a lack of oral sex to be the reason at all.
“So basically, my brain just isn’t trained to relate pleasure to that experience. I don’t really know what to do.”
I asked him whether this was a result of a pattern with past partners, such as: make out, feel up her breasts, go down on her, have sex. Which is exactly what happened the first time we fucked. Basically a series where he initiates oral sex and then has penetrative sex before she feels the need to reciprocate. He agreed that this was the main reason. He just really likes getting his face in there, which he’s stellar at by the way. Now I know why!
Needless to say, all of this made me feel much better about worrying I had suddenly lost my expertise at giving head. It also made me think about how myself and others often assume sexual experience without even asking. It reminded me of the end of high school and beginning of university when everyone assumes they are the only ones who are still virgins and that “everybody except me” is doing it (see full study here).
In the middle of reacting I double checked to make sure my response wasn’t making him feel ashamed. No one has the right to make another person feel bad for not being experienced in some realm or with sex at all for that matter. The media does enough of that already. He kissed and held me when I said, “I want us to figure out how to make oral sex enjoyable for both of us.”
He pointed out his most sensitive area to me. “I think this is where it felt really good, but honestly it’s hard to remember.” Underside of his shaft, lick from the base to the head and swirl around. Makes sense. He asked me for suggestions on how to enjoy it. I gave him a few off the top of my head, but I would love to have some more to share with him.
What advice do you have for Nate to enjoy blow jobs?
[Tumblr people can “reply.” Everyone else go to the pull down menu, click “Ask Me” and GO.” You can also email me at talkgingertwist@gmail.com.]
the reveal, the pain, the new direction
Dear amazing readers,
I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. Specifically about my relation to you, the way I present myself to you, and how I am only my best self for you. Being a fantasy has been titillating, but it’s honestly gotten boring for me. Perhaps for you too. By only telling you my craziest stories, I’m ignoring a lot of myself, my relatable experience and knowledge, as well as the realities of my own relationship to sex.
Both Tara and my real self are performers. I enjoy showing off, displaying myself and my talents; my confidence grows instantly through smiles, applause, and interaction. I’m also totally obsessed with pleasure. I seek it out in many forms and often let desire guide my decision-making.
But I’m also extremely vulnerable. I use performance and my overt sexuality to hide what I’m scared for people to find out about me. So far I’ve only continued that trend in ginger twist.
What I’m about to reveal is a reality that (seriously) 95% of the people in my life don’t know about me. I’ve thought long and hard about sharing this. I want you to know that writing this and publishing it is very difficult for me to do.
So here it goes…
I have fibromyalgia. I’m in my early twenties and have lived with chronic, body-wide pain for most of my life. My body is considered disabled by the medical establishment. I appear healthy to everyone I meet - my disability is invisible and a consequence is my silence, it’s so easy to just grin, bear it, and have you think I’m normal. As a result, I’ve suffered from depression, fatigue, sleeping issues, and a constant fear that I’ll never be able to become the person I imagine because my physical body will resist my dreams for the future. That last one is probably the scariest of all.
I don’t take painkillers. I do stretch and exercise every day to hold off what most doctors admit is inevitable. I don’t tell people unless they know me really, really well because otherwise they will and have treated me differently (as if I’m fragile, constantly needing help when I’m not asking for it).
But the most important facet - I use pleasure, masturbation, orgasm, and sex to relieve my pain. Yes. Rather than giving in to my disability, I’ve given power to my vagina and to my sexuality. And it feels fucking great.
Revealing this information is going to give me an awesome direction for this blog. I will continue to create erotic writing about my experiences for your reading enjoyment. A huge portion of Tara’s identity is still being that fantasy for you to get off to and/or imagine yourself as - reading erotica was what inspired me to do this in the first place. I’m also still going to link to attractive musicians, music videos, and tunes that get me off.
But I’m going to add the dimension of dis/ability and sex. I’m going to share my experiences and give you the whole story. I’m going to educate, provide knowledge, recommend ideas and products that have helped me, and expand your mind. I’m going to explore the intersection between pleasure and pain in a unique way. And I’m going to be ridiculously sexy while doing it. I would love to hear your feedback in the comments, ask & tell, or you can email me at talkgingertwist@gmail.com.
Get excited, because I sure am!
Love & moans galore,
-Tara
again
I just had my first woman. And threesome. And orgy. In the same night.
Oh how I wish you could smell my cunt right now…it’s exquisite.