how to teach a man to enjoy a blow job?

I have a new mission. One that I certainly did not expect. 

Nate and I have an awesome open relationship. I’m falling in love with him and it feels spectacular. But giving him blow jobs has been a precarious feat for my ego these last three months. I’ve found it difficult to get him completely erect. It’s not like he would remain flaccid, but I just felt like my efforts weren’t reaching the same peaks they have with other men. I was starting to feel down on myself, like I wasn’t doing something obvious and that he was judging me for missing it. 

So last night while we were cuddling naked on my futon I told him how I was feeling. He reassured me that I was doing a great job and that he admits to being difficult to get off.

"But how can I improve? I want to be able to pleasure you and I need some instruction." 

"Well, actually, I don’t know what to tell you. I’m not very experienced with receiving blow jobs. As in, before you, I can count the number I’ve had on two hands.”

Wait, really?!?! I was totally aghast. Keep in mind that Nate has a similar partner history to me, so I was caught completely off guard. Given the number of women he’s been with, I did not expect a lack of oral sex to be the reason at all. 

"So basically, my brain just isn’t trained to relate pleasure to that experience. I don’t really know what to do.” 

I asked him whether this was a result of a pattern with past partners, such as: make out, feel up her breasts, go down on her, have sex. Which is exactly what happened the first time we fucked. Basically a series where he initiates oral sex and then has penetrative sex before she feels the need to reciprocate. He agreed that this was the main reason. He just really likes getting his face in there, which he’s stellar at by the way. Now I know why!

Needless to say, all of this made me feel much better about worrying I had suddenly lost my expertise at giving head. It also made me think about how myself and others often assume sexual experience without even asking. It reminded me of the end of high school and beginning of university when everyone assumes they are the only ones who are still virgins and that “everybody except me” is doing it (see full study here). 

In the middle of reacting I double checked to make sure my response wasn’t making him feel ashamed. No one has the right to make another person feel bad for not being experienced in some realm or with sex at all for that matter. The media does enough of that already. He kissed and held me when I said, “I want us to figure out how to make oral sex enjoyable for both of us.”

He pointed out his most sensitive area to me. “I think this is where it felt really good, but honestly it’s hard to remember.” Underside of his shaft, lick from the base to the head and swirl around. Makes sense. He asked me for suggestions on how to enjoy it. I gave him a few off the top of my head, but I would love to have some more to share with him. 

What advice do you have for Nate to enjoy blow jobs?

[Tumblr people can “reply.” Everyone else go to the pull down menu, click “Ask Me” and GO.” You can also email me at talkgingertwist@gmail.com.] 

our bodies break

Listen to this particularly relevant song while you read. 

Earlier that day, I had promised him a shoulder massage. His sweet complaint inspired me to offer. I knew they were sore from holding me as we slept intertwined together the last two nights.

I’ve been seeing who I’ll call Nate Ruess of The Format and Fun. for the last three weeks; we met through okcupid. I was wearing a matching bright purple lacy bra and thong that day. Nate had watched me enjoy putting on my ensemble in the late morning before we went out to brunch. He was reclined on the futon, having been ready to go for the last fifteen minutes but delighting in viewing my morning routine. With me parading around in boner-inducing lingerie of course. 

Later, he unbuttoned my black patterned dress with puffy sleeves and noticeable cleavage as I swiveled in my desk chair. He kissed along my stomach, teased my protruding clit through the transparent fabric. I let out a soft moan, egging him on. He pulled back, smiled up at me and met my eyes. Those sexy, light brown eyes that bring out the darker shades in his tan skin. That tell me blatantly he wants to penetrate me, but is choosing to play my game instead.

He got up off his knees and grinned as I reached for his body. He was wearing only the grey-blue vest with gold buttons that he had bought earlier at a thrift store and his dark wash jeans. Bits of curly black hair ensconced the centre of his otherwise smooth chest. Coyly, “Aren’t you supposed to be yelping a place for us to order delivery?”

"I was, but you’ve been distracting me!"

"But it’s so fun, and it’s so hard not to when you’re looking so delicious right in front of me…"

He leaned down to kiss my neck. I pushed him off with a “fine, fine, if you want food so bad then you’ll have to wait on having me.”

We ended up agreeing that he could have me after our deep dish pizza arrived. When the pizza came I tossed on my new Goodwill purchase - a recycled fur coat for the playa. I opened the front door wearing only the coat and aforementioned purple lingerie before the attractive delivery guy’s eyes. He stuttered out our total, “That’ll be $21.97.” Nate came up behind me with the cash. The delivery guy respectfully looked away, or at least he tried while a horny-looking smile played on his lips as he regained his confidence. Nate laughed with me after I closed the door.

An old roommate struggled for the right description as we entered the kitchen, Nate in his silky vest and me in my sexy fur. Ten minutes later he knocked on my door. “I thought of it! You both look so F. Scott Fitzgerald-ian, you know, like The Great Gatsby-ian.”

After fully digesting several slices, I pulled Nate out of our cuddle. I turned him onto his stomach and told him to relax his neck. My hands began pressing into his now shirtless back. 

"Have you listened to the new Bon Iver album yet?"

"No, but I’ve been meaning to."

Still straddling him, I started the album. We both immediately melted into the beautiful instrumental opening. I let my giving gestures sync with the snare drums in “Perth.” Straddling him, my pelvis sunk into his lower back and pushed down for emphasis. His breath was deep, his eyes shut, as my palms caressed his thin but noticeably muscular body. 

By “Holocene” the pressured kneading into his shoulders had transformed into symmetrical tracings all around the canvas of his back. The intimate energy connecting the tips of my fingers with his flesh cascaded over me, sending barely controllable shivers down my spine. I then took that high feeling and let the pads of my fingers slip away, slowly, one by one, until only my nails skimmed the patterns.

He reacted intensely. His body spasmed. His sides shuddered. A low, small groan complemented the refrain of “Towers.” One nail would become three and then three on two hands. Nate tried to reach back to touch me, but I kept him in the space of receiving my spell. 

I slowly grinded into him again. My hands massaged his shoulders as I leaned down, breathing heavy into his ear. A light flick of my tongue to the outside, then a longer drag across his lobe. He trembled with erotic intention, allowing me to continue slowly seducing his ear. When his arousal reached an impassable apex, he turned his curly dark-haired head up and kissed me deeply. 

From underneath, he removed my bra and slid off my panties. He felt me up and down, grasping my breasts with a slowed urgency, the serene song “Wash.” keeping his pace. He moved below me and kissed my opening. I let him carefully weave his tongue through my folds until I couldn’t take it any more. The music was building and my impulse was unstoppable.

With echoing voices surrounding me, my hand pressed Nate’s face against me, hard. He slipped an additional finger inside and inhaled my pussy fervently. I pushed him even harder and the whelm of “Calgary” escalated my need to come.

"So it’s storming on the lake, little waves our bodies break." 

Surging, I rocked my hips back and forth into his mouth. Mounting, I couldn’t contain my moans as they cascaded like an overlay intended to be a part of that song. Releasing, I gasped and let everything flow around his fingers buried inside of me. I collapsed. A couple of wet tears escaped the corners of my eyes. He kissed me.