how i said “i love you”

I woke up next to him and felt so overwhelmingly happy. While he was in the washroom my gut told me that this was the morning. This was going to be the moment.

I had thought about a preamble. Something to excuse him if he wasn’t there yet. An easy justification to buy him more time before he conveniently repeated without knowing if he meant it.

He returned from the washroom, crawled back into the warm bed, and held me. We kissed and smiled, he whispered good morning. His hand caressed my nipple, tweaking it carefully. 

I was ready to tell him because he proved to me last night that he listens to me and learns from me, which is so huge. The major challenges in our relationship have involved the monthly parties we throw at my house. He’s crossed some of my boundaries without realizing it. Specifically, I’ve experienced jealousy due to his touchy-flirty behaviour with my friends.

It takes a lot to make me jealous (or at least I thought it did) so it was hard for me to confront those feelings in myself since they’ve been so absent for the last two years. There were two times when I cried and needed serious affirmation that he considered me his primary partner. I knew if this became a continual pattern then it wasn’t going to work out.

His hand trailed down, grazing against my clit. I held his wandering hand, fingers laced. 

But he proved that he truly listened. We kept the balance of staying connected while being social and close with our friends. I felt important and we both initiated eye contact to check in throughout the night. He actively made sure I was comfortable and respected my boundaries intentionally. I was ridiculously impressed.

I looked him in the eyes, and kissed him deeply. I tried to convey my passion through my lips so he would be somewhat prepared.

My brain tried to call it off, telling me it wasn’t the right moment, assuming that it would be better to wait for him to take the initiative on this milestone. The two times it has been said to me, I wasn’t prepared. I said it back to avoid discomfort. I ended up experiencing love with both men. But I was worried, I didn’t want him to feel pressured like I had been. I wanted it to make sense this time.

But my intuition affirmed my real need to let him know. I’ve been caught in many battles between my head and my heart. I’m proud to say I calmly considered my racing, terrified concerns but ultimately chose the direction I am satisfied, no, overjoyed with.

It was simple. No preamble. No games. Just…

"I love you."

"I love you too."

We both broke out into killer smiles and kissed each other wildly. Our naked bodies wrapped tightly around each other and I felt relieved, alive, renewed, stellar, on fire, floating, flying, dizzy…but most of all, loved in return. I squealed and he squirmed. He squeezed me and laughed out, “My heart just skipped twenty beats.”

The erection he had since waking pulsed against my hip. I felt myself get wet with excitement for both the sex sure to follow but also for…the future. Whatever is to come for us. 

There was no foreplay necessary for our impending intercourse. I was sopping, he was ready to feel me. He slid inside and the marquee in my mind scrolled on repeat: “He loves you too.”

It was the kind of sex where I was feeling him on so many levels. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, sexually…there were moments where he would rest, I would stare into his eyes and all I wanted to do was meld more with him. He reached into the deepest part of my body and made me feel safe to be myself. 

Fuck, I’m in love.