I spent five hours masturbating this morning. As in, my lover Nate woke me up when he left for work at 8am, and I did not stop toying with myself until 1pm when I finally had to eat something. Breakfast vs. self-pleasure is an intense battle, let me tell you! During that time, I took over 1,000 photos of myself in various states of undress. Definitely my best photo set to date. I love the grainy, self-directed look of webcam shots. I’m an amateur who loves the quality and real feel of amateur porn, what can I say?
I’m not seeing Nate until Sunday. I had a co-dependency alert/freak out on Monday that forced me to ask for some time apart for the weekend. In the past when I’ve gotten super attached, I’ve been burned. The logical part of me rebelled against the intense love I’m experiencing; the clash caused a crazy-breakdown.
Poor Nate had no idea what happened…he got home from work after spending a wonderful weekend attached to my genitals and all of a sudden I started crying without being able to explain what was wrong (which so far I’ve been solid at parsing out). I apologized profusely through tears, “I’m sorry I’m being such a girl!” “Well Tara, you are a girl,” he calmingly chuckled.
He had plans with some friends so I told him to go along without me while I determined the cause. I called my best-best friend of almost ten years and blubbered the whole mess to her. She deconstructed my emotions as she’s so skilled at doing. “Tara, it’s okay to be attached to someone else. And to want to spend time together. And to feel like you need him. Logical-Tara is overwhelmed by emotional-Tara and is fighting back right now. You need to listen to her, but don’t let her take over either. It’s okay to be in love.”
As always, she was right. So I started writing. I made a list of what I’m scared of, most of it having to do with those past burns, loving him “too much,” and losing him. Then I wrote a list of what I needed. I need him to be more forthcoming and informative about other partners he has right now. I need him to continue being an amazing listener and support. And I needed the weekend off in order to reconnect with friends and other partners. I soaked in a hot bath. I did some deep meditative breathing. I took a nap. When he returned I gave him full disclosure about where I was at. We had beautiful, emotional sex afterward where our eyes and lips were connected as much as possible while he moved his shaft throughout my body.
So how do I get through to Sunday night without being with him? Well, I have plans to go to a sex club tomorrow evening and check out a new scene. But I’m also sending him the hottest of the ridiculous amount of photos I took in small batches. While he was at work today, I sent him the sort of SFW ones (not too many of those, hah). Poor boy. I totally destroyed any productivity he had going for him by updating him on gchat while I got gorgeously nasty for my webcam. Tomorrow, he’ll get three more sets.
Then on Sunday, two more. With the last email, some instructions for when his fine ass comes over here. I have this idea of having one of the girls I’m going to the club with be a part of Sunday. With him handcuffed to a chair and only able to watch us play until I allow him after much excruciating voyeurism and her consent, of course.
If not this week, my fantasy will happen eventually. And he’ll be thanking me when it does. Apparently I’m already the best girlfriend ever. Bringing a girl to fuck alongside the girlfriend? Tough to top me, but please try.
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